I am continually amazed at how over-the -top-bordering-on crazy God's provisions have been. This journey has been hard, this week has been filled with challenges and unexpected events. Despite that, Brian & I agree that 2008 was an awful year filled with much pain and possibly one of the worst ones of our journey together.
Tonight, Brian and the kids are playing a game and I am making pizza and worshiping to vintage Casting Crowns and a thought overwhelms me...
Hudson was born in 2008.
In 2008, God was at work on a blessing so perfectly made for me. A provision of peace and love that reaches beyond my pain to speak to me a truth that I will always remember.
I AM. I was with you in 2008 and I was at work on a blessing for you as a reminder of my goodness. I AM.
You are my daughter. You cannot go back, but my beloved even 2008 is not beyond My redemption.
Moving forward for me over the years has meant a lot of looking backwards first. It is a requirement to look back and discuss during each home study process. As a Christian it is also important to look back and honestly examine myself before God and before moving ahead, to ask Him to re-examine me.
David wrote about it in Psalm 139
O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. 2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. 5 You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 See if there is any offensive way in me,and lead me in the way everlasting.
As I look back, I find it impossible to understand why God would know me so intimately, all of me and yet, seek to adopt me as His child. He is far more knowledgeable than a specialist reviewing a medical file or surgical team viewing a video or photograph to better determine a realistic outcome. He is creator God, Elohim, maker of me before the earth was even created and knew all of me that will ever be. Seeing me, El Roi, as I am. Knowing me and deciding in a definitive and public way I am worth it.
My Daddy God decided I am worth it and made it clear with sending His son Jesus to make a way so I could be adopted into His family.
At times I have needed to hear from God to keep moving forward. He has continued to affirm through His word. And in a very personal way that I needed to hear.
I heard Hudson laugh. A sound that I had not remembered hearing so clearly in any of the times I had watched him on the DVD in the past. I heard his laugh and saw again a precious son that needed his mother. This journey is for His glory.
There's been a lot of a whole lot lately. Increasing mountains of challenges and unexpected glimpses of God's awesomeness. I have been greatly encouraged by God's provision for the precious ones at Lifesong School in Zambia and the lavishness of His provisions. Lavish. The word lavish just makes me smile as I say it. My friend Karol is teaching on the lavishness of God's love through I John, these past few days when I think of how He's provided...lavishly.
WOW! Lavishness of God's love and grace was about to turn into just awesomeness and perhaps somewhat ridiculous of His gifting and my unworthiness.
Backing up a few days...On Thursday we got some really difficult news that was very confusing. I hit my knees crying out to God. For days I have been crying out to God to speak to me clearly through this situation. Truth and His way. Brian and I had a conversation Sunday about I AM. The jist of it was either He is who He said He Is...way, truth and life or He's not. We are both believers so we believed that He Is...not imagining that God would "speak" to us on His own behalf aside from His Word (nor does He have to) I AM.
Yesterday, I drove my 3 older kiddos to class, they are in class MWF and homeschool T & Th. After I dropped them of at school. Away from the school and alone in the van for a few moments, I cried out to God and begged Him for mercy. I asked if there was sin in my life that I had not confessed or repented of fully that the consequence be mine. I begged for mercy again and worshiped to the music (not fully sure if Jesus Messiah was truly Immanuel God with me but fully sure that He was God of this City) as I drove on to get some groceries before heading home.
A few hours later after I drove to pick up the kiddos from school, I checked our mail. There were the usual things inside and a package. it was kind of heavy and felt like a book. I opened the package and pulled out a book I AM changes who i am by Gregg Matte. An unexpected gift for a voracious reader like me.
I AM changes who i am
Again, the question is answered, as if there was truly a question. I AM.
In many ways, I AM had spoken for Himself.
I AM.
Forgive my small faith and continue to speak and reveal more of yourself. You did not hold back, help me not to hold back from you. Your will be done. Your Way, Your Truth, You are Life.
I AM.
For a second time when we are facing difficulty that we do not understand, we are encouraged and blessed by As Our Own and First Baptist Church of Houston. and the awesomeness and the lavishness of
