Jealous For

I've sung the Dave Crowder song, How He Loves countless times, and recently we've added it to family worship time. There have been some things that have made worship and rejoicing difficult. Last summer I studied Beth More's Psalms (with two of my precious sister-friends) and was incredibly blessed as well as saw again the concept of being jealous for and not jealous of. To my shame, there have been far too many times I've been jealous of someone or jealous to have something, but jealous for has been a harder life-lesson. To His glory, He has never stopped teaching and bringing about circumstances and opportunities to grow. Beth had several verses that helped explain the difference, but I need to go through something before my learning and life changing actually takes place.
Throughout Hudson's adoptive process there have been times where I understood how He has loved me and how He is jealous for me. Jealous for me to know Him more, to know that I know that I know the depth of His love and concern as well as passion for a true relationship with me.
Last night,Z, my son had a very difficult melt-down. It has been a while since he's had a reaction like that. Maybe it was the result of the week-long stream of people through our home repairing and assessing the water damage, or it was too stimulating at Pei Wei, or knowing his friend was moving was to much for him. The cause isn't that important, but how I manage my response is...better yet, if I allow God to manage my response or not.
When he is so upset and spitting, biting, flailing, throwing things, screaming or various combinations there of, in those moments, I am not alone. If I get out of God's way He fills me with His presence, love and peace. Joy is a bit harder, but He is bringing that kind of joy as I allow Him. The beauty in my brokenness.
Brian & I got Z settled and the girls playing while we took some time to decompress. It is a heavy burden that is my my shoulders when I try to understand Z or how his special needs manifest. Conversations we've had with the girls answering their questions about our handicapped license plate down to talks about brain damage. I do get discouraged and bogged down, because I am not able by myself...He Is!
On our knees, bowed on the wood floor Brian & I poured out our hearts to our Daddy God. Shaking from the adrenaline I asked for His peace to fill and presence. Still smelling the Chinese food that Z had spit onto my hair and face, the words "He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane I am a tree. Bending beneath....oh how He loves us oh.." His calm fills us and I grab my guitar and we sing The Crowder song, How He loves, and invite the girls to join us in a family worship. I am beginning to understand jealous for me as I am jealous for my children to know their Daddy God more and more.
He is jealous for me...and how He loves. Thank you:) My son is one of my best teachers:)

I love you Zackary.