Brave

 Brave.
Alone I am not brave.
I fear both the present and the future for my older son. The more I research and read posts from other parents seeking answers and understanding the greater the fear grows. At times it is hard to breathe.  There is no cure and most children with similar diagnoses have really depressing lifelong battles.  I have been brought to the end of myself and then some. Parenting a child with special needs wasn't anything I ever asked for or planned.

Yet.
As I look up with whatever I have left in my heart and trust that God has a plan for our son. A plan that is for his good and ours. I slowly dare myself to hope. Hope that the life verse that we claimed for our son nearly 9 years ago are still true. Hope that God is just as powerful as I imagined He could be. Hope that moving forward and continuing to raise this surprising and challenging boy will bless his life and the lives of our 4 other children. Hope that God will sustain the godly people that are healthy and safe friends for us.

Grin.
This boy that has kicked holes in many walls. Punched and spat in my face. He camly jumps rope and asks me to count how far he can go. 8 jumps and then a miss as he laughs it off while he tries again. This boy of both sorrow and rage. An anger that is inexplicable and uncontrollable to all but You God. He runs over to me and for the third time in a week gives me a hug instead of the hit I am used to.

Brave.
How I want to be brave!
Alone I am a coward waiting for the thunderous rage to begin. Wondering how long before the next storm begins and how to repair the damage left behind in our hearts. How I want to be free and honor you God during our sons violent rages. I want to show my daughters that love doesn't hurt and my other son to cherish his one day-way-way-in-the-future-may-not-be-born-yet wife. I am trusting and hoping in you God to be brave.

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. NIV