But why do I have to have scars?

"But why do I have to have scars?"

I feel my heart twitch and my eyes sting a little as my youngest son questions his Dad that is massaging his scarred eyelid. I too struggle with that question.

At that moment all I could think of was the chorus to Steven Curtis Chapman's song, Beautiful Scars and open the music file on my computer.  He sits on my lap as his Dad is still massaging his face and we talk about some of the words and the scars that Christ has for us. "Our wounded healer...suffered to set us free...reminders of the wounded love that has carried us this far." I sing the chorus and snuggle him a little closer.

In the desk drawer we have his adoption files and paperwork. I get the file of early pictures and advocacy articles.  I open to an entry from his Nai Nai Jenny entitled "A Beautiful Heart, A Beautiful Mind".  We read it out loud and I help him with some of the more challenging words. He reads about himself as a 3 year old. How smart, sweet and loving he was...and still is.

We talk about scars on the outside and that everyone has scars just sometimes the scars are on the inside. I assure him I have scars, but mostly on the inside. I remind him that he is as he was planned, born where he was born and when he was born...and that we loved him and all of his scars.

Beautiful scars, so beautiful

Wait to Be Invited

Hey __________,

I am so glad that you are allowing me to grow and complete you. You are my masterpiece and I am still at work.  It may be hard for you to understand my ways and timing and that's okay. I ask that you continue to yield your fears for my boldness and wait. I made _________ and I have amazing plans for his life and his forever family. My plans and timing are perfect.

I am in all the details and I know what is best for my ________ and you. I already have it planned and it is amazing!!! So beyond anything you or other prayer mommies have asked.

Please keep seeking hard after me. Keep talking to me and listening to my voice. Leave your heart with me and trust my plan.

I have not forgotten you and I know my answer "to wait" has been challenging for you to accept.

Trust me, leave me to my plans in my way. Wait for me to invite you into whatever I have planned for your good and my glory.

I love you,
God

A Healing Hallelujah

Walking alongside our children through their pain and into healing was unnatural for me. I truly thought that if we obeyed and followed hard after God to foster and adopt the children as he led our family would thrive and we would be spared some of the more challenging behaviors. I also thought that if I prayed hard enough and followed the medical and therapeutic plans during the first five years of his life, God would completely and miraculously heal my son's brain. I thought the same thing for our daughter's emotional challenges.

Almost 9 years and a completely "broken hallelujah" later, I stopped waiting for promises that were not Biblical and a miraculous healing that would not ever be. God's promises are true. He did not promise we would be problem free, nor did He promise we'd skip troublesome heart-breaking and faith-stretching challenges. Not because God cannot, but because He has confirmed that He is sufficient and so is His grace.

There has been healing, and a lot of it! Our son is mainstreamed in regular ed with special ed supports. He is far less aggressive towards me. He uses words more frequently than screams when he is upset. Our daughter chose Christ and her heart is far less stony. A child that once drew a picture of me in the oven crying as she stood outside the oven smiling now writes me love notes and gives the best hugs!

The healing that God has provided is miraculous and took place over many years. He has walked with us through our pain and healed us as we've walked alongside our children. Creating deep and healthy connections has required much more than I had to give. Thankful that He is immeasurably more and provider!

We are healing and God is faithful. He has healed my brokenness and is healing the hearts and minds of our children. Our family is thriving and that is a "healing hallelujah".

Wondering

Wondering what it must be like to experience your first Valentine's Day?
 Did you make cards for your friends, did they make them for you?

Did you hear the words love, family, forever and ache?

Did you pray and wonder if there was a family that was praying and wondering too?

Asking Questions

Our Life Group is doing a ladies study over The Best Yes by Lysa Terkeurst.  It has been a great way for me to evaluate some of my past choices and the direction I'm heading.

There are many things I have wondered and fear has stopped me from asking. There are several pieces but no clear connections. The role I was ready for does not seem to be the one that is planned.

Tonight, over a week of praying yet holding onto fear I let it go.
I asked a question and I am waiting for Him to answer.

And He will.

Happy!

An amazing and beautiful video of what radiant joy looks and sounds like. Courtesy of these precious kiddos from Bethel China. Enjoy watching Danny and his friends!

Perspective

Recently, I was rummaging around a local antique store hunting for something unique and thrifty for our home. I looked around in the discounted room and saw something I just had to have.

Beauty.

 

It was a well used and pretty fragile clothes wringer.  The manufacturer's name long gone from the faded and splitting wood. Gently, I cranked the rusty handle and the gears turned! I could see layers on layers of while powder shimmer on the working rolls.

Greatness!

There was something else I found, a shift in my perspective on laundry. I was looking at vintage laundry room decor, but God was showing me something better. He was changing my heart towards a daily chore and my uh, frenemy relationship with my washer.

Joy!

My washer is automatic once I load and put the detergent in it.  Dirty clothes go in and soon our family of 7 has clean clothes. I don't crank any handles or wring and rinse for hours. One hour. 

Boom!

I don't look forward to doing the laundry. But as I look at the vintage washer sitting on the shelf above my washing machine I can't help but feel relief and joy. Adding a few treasures and my grandmother's sewing kit the view is much better. My perspective and attitude towards my washer is improving.

Gratitude.

 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.  Colossians 3:15-17 NIV

Brave

 Brave.
Alone I am not brave.
I fear both the present and the future for my older son. The more I research and read posts from other parents seeking answers and understanding the greater the fear grows. At times it is hard to breathe.  There is no cure and most children with similar diagnoses have really depressing lifelong battles.  I have been brought to the end of myself and then some. Parenting a child with special needs wasn't anything I ever asked for or planned.

Yet.
As I look up with whatever I have left in my heart and trust that God has a plan for our son. A plan that is for his good and ours. I slowly dare myself to hope. Hope that the life verse that we claimed for our son nearly 9 years ago are still true. Hope that God is just as powerful as I imagined He could be. Hope that moving forward and continuing to raise this surprising and challenging boy will bless his life and the lives of our 4 other children. Hope that God will sustain the godly people that are healthy and safe friends for us.

Grin.
This boy that has kicked holes in many walls. Punched and spat in my face. He camly jumps rope and asks me to count how far he can go. 8 jumps and then a miss as he laughs it off while he tries again. This boy of both sorrow and rage. An anger that is inexplicable and uncontrollable to all but You God. He runs over to me and for the third time in a week gives me a hug instead of the hit I am used to.

Brave.
How I want to be brave!
Alone I am a coward waiting for the thunderous rage to begin. Wondering how long before the next storm begins and how to repair the damage left behind in our hearts. How I want to be free and honor you God during our sons violent rages. I want to show my daughters that love doesn't hurt and my other son to cherish his one day-way-way-in-the-future-may-not-be-born-yet wife. I am trusting and hoping in you God to be brave.

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. NIV