Jealous For

I've sung the Dave Crowder song, How He Loves countless times, and recently we've added it to family worship time. There have been some things that have made worship and rejoicing difficult. Last summer I studied Beth More's Psalms (with two of my precious sister-friends) and was incredibly blessed as well as saw again the concept of being jealous for and not jealous of. To my shame, there have been far too many times I've been jealous of someone or jealous to have something, but jealous for has been a harder life-lesson. To His glory, He has never stopped teaching and bringing about circumstances and opportunities to grow. Beth had several verses that helped explain the difference, but I need to go through something before my learning and life changing actually takes place.
Throughout Hudson's adoptive process there have been times where I understood how He has loved me and how He is jealous for me. Jealous for me to know Him more, to know that I know that I know the depth of His love and concern as well as passion for a true relationship with me.
Last night,Z, my son had a very difficult melt-down. It has been a while since he's had a reaction like that. Maybe it was the result of the week-long stream of people through our home repairing and assessing the water damage, or it was too stimulating at Pei Wei, or knowing his friend was moving was to much for him. The cause isn't that important, but how I manage my response is...better yet, if I allow God to manage my response or not.
When he is so upset and spitting, biting, flailing, throwing things, screaming or various combinations there of, in those moments, I am not alone. If I get out of God's way He fills me with His presence, love and peace. Joy is a bit harder, but He is bringing that kind of joy as I allow Him. The beauty in my brokenness.
Brian & I got Z settled and the girls playing while we took some time to decompress. It is a heavy burden that is my my shoulders when I try to understand Z or how his special needs manifest. Conversations we've had with the girls answering their questions about our handicapped license plate down to talks about brain damage. I do get discouraged and bogged down, because I am not able by myself...He Is!
On our knees, bowed on the wood floor Brian & I poured out our hearts to our Daddy God. Shaking from the adrenaline I asked for His peace to fill and presence. Still smelling the Chinese food that Z had spit onto my hair and face, the words "He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane I am a tree. Bending beneath....oh how He loves us oh.." His calm fills us and I grab my guitar and we sing The Crowder song, How He loves, and invite the girls to join us in a family worship. I am beginning to understand jealous for me as I am jealous for my children to know their Daddy God more and more.
He is jealous for me...and how He loves. Thank you:) My son is one of my best teachers:)

I love you Zackary.

Jehova Jireh, My Provider

I shouldn't be surprised because He is faithful, but yet I continue to marvel at how God provides for us in so many different ways. Got word today that we received approval for a grant as well as a zero-interest loan from Lifesong for Orphans. Praise God! Lifesong does great work for orphans, by the way. They help make adoptions possible here, and also are ministering to orphans all around the world such as through our friends in Zambia, the McBride family.
Also, HUGE shout out to Embrace for their generous gift. Embrace is an incredible ministry to children and their families. Thank you Embrace!!

How he loves and provides for us...all!

You Are Wonderful.

I was talking and braiding Katharine's hair tonight. She shared a few things that were on her heart. I am very grateful for the closeness that God has brought and His healing. We talked about many things...Psalm 139 and how David put into words how amazing human life is. Brian read parts of it out loud to her as I combed and braided.
I finished her braids and then greased her scalp. I reminded her that when God looks at her, it is Christ's righteousness and perfection in His Katharine that He sees. Her Abba, Daddy made her. He knew her while she was growing in her birthmother's tummy and gave her this beautiful coca skin. The way her eyes dance when she is telling a joke or singing a silly song that she just invented and the warmth of her Big Katy hugs, gifts from Him. I put a little hair oil on the unbraided parts of hair, because it smells so good and reminded her that it was God that gave her this beautiful curly hair too.

Katharine, my precious and exquisite daughter, you are wonderful. You bring us great joy:)

Fingerprints Done & PTL

We went to our appointment on Wednesday and had our fingerprints done. I kept looking for the ink...but now they don't use ink very cool. Strange watching each swirl of my fingers on the large screen and the small cracks that reveled that winter had come to North Texas...not that my skin is showing my age:) Incredible details, information about me all in ten swirls. Guess now my biometrics are captured...they can prove it:)
God has been teaching me a lot about faith, trust, details and timing. His is always perfect down to the smallest detail. 
We've been praying for several children since last May that were in need of forever families. How precious it has been to hear my children understand the needs of those so far away. Last month we started sponsoring one of the friends that we had been praying for and now we are able to change our prayers. God has brought forever families to these precious ones. We are now praying for speed in their homecoming.
The God that is concerned about His creation down to our fingerprints is the same God that will continue to amaze and do the impossible...PTL!

Denied BUT Not Forgotten

I 'm learning through a Beth Moore study and today was, The Blessed Reminder, hoped that would be the theme of the day. After dropping the kiddos off, Brian and I headed over to USCIS to try to get our fingerprints done early. We have our appointment, but I was hoping and praying for a little favor. Nope. The officer was very polite, but it was crowded and they were too busy for walk-ins this morning. Brian had already scheduled meetings for this afternoon, so we couldn't come back today.

Denied. I was bummed, but it is just a few days more until our appointment. 

I had a few hours alone so I headed over to one of my favorite book stores. I LOVE books! Books on sale...even better! Found some great reads and 2 amazing books with DVD study too!

A few hours later I picked kiddos up and we headed home for an afternoon snack. Kids playing happily together for a while, until they weren't. Things happen...

I wanted to have child in "time-out" but God spoke and urged me to have child sit beside me as we've been doing to connect. Things happen...

A picture of a stretched out sweater came to mind and we talked about being connected. Building on the devo earlier from Romans 8:28-39 and being inseparable from God's love. We talked about feeling apart even though we were sitting next to each other and things that led to that change in our relationship. Like the way our relationship to God sometimes feels distant...because of our change. A connection happens and a snuggle.

I am encouraged by God watering the seeds that are sprouting into love. His love. His Power. His Way.

I may have been denied this morning, but not forgotten.

Thank you El Elyon. Truly this was my blessed reminder today.

Split Pants and a Captivating Smile

Dear Dumpling,
I had to write you a note about the precious picture I saw of you! We have this one on our prayer wall with the updated ones, but this one is one of my favorites. I think it's the youngest picture I have of you, even before your cleft surgery. You look like you are smiling and I love how even so very young you are so remarkably radiant. I love too how in this picture and a few others you are wearing traditional outfit with split pants...with your diaper showing a bit.

Split pants and a captivating smile, this is you!
Love you son,
Mom 

 

Your Mom in Progress

Dear Dumpling,
I am a mom in progress, and God is not done with me yet. Your sisters & I have been working on a school assignment that looks back at the early years, or the way you were then.  It was easy to get your biggest sister's information and birth story as she was born to us, but a bit harder for your other sister. She, like you wasn't born to us and we have only information that was passed to us or pictures taken before adoption to go by. I try hard to spare details that are confusing or sad, but Sweet Dumpling, by now you already have experienced more than your share of confusing and sad details. I am very grateful for the birthmothers, Prayer Moms and foster moms that took care of your sister, brother and you when we couldn't. It is still a little sad.

Sometimes I feel sad about what I missed out on too. I wasn't there for 4 of my children's birthdays and many of their firsts. I don't have newborn pictures or much from the time before your older sister came into care. I am grateful for her foster family especially my sweet friend, Tracy, that loved her and created a lifebook and helpful record for us.  My heart broke a little when your sister asked about her birth pictures and what she was like as a baby. She got misty eyed, but as is her way wouldn't let the tears drop. I've requested early pictures for her, but have been unable to get them. I know that her birthfamily is hurting and missing her too, but at times like this it is hard for me to feel grace. As your sister leaned into me for a big Katy hug, I tried not to let her see my eyes were misty too.

I got kind of frustrated with the teacher for giving me a paper that wasn't sensitive to adoption. I struggled to find something already created that I could just print off and use for school. It was a homeschool day and really hard for me to share one computer with 3 kids while trying to make a special day worksheet. We love all of the teachers that we've had and especially the way so many teachers have been so good to all of our family. I know that when I was a teacher, I didn't think much about adoption when I was making lesson plans. I'm pretty sure that God was teaching me more through this assignment than I was teaching your sisters.

We worked together to come up with a special day that your sister could use for her assignment. We decided to use her gotcha day and talk about what she was like then. We had fun looking through old family pictures especially the pictures where they are both wearing pullups. But we decided not to use these pictures to share with the class:) It was really sweet to look back at what your sisters were like then and we had some big laughs.

I thought about some special days in my life and smiled about what God has done for me, your mom in progress.

I love you,
Mom