Welcome Home

The kids and their grandparents made our homecoming even more special by decorating our dining room with a homemade sign and cute pandas. We enjoyed a panda cake too!

 

Our Son & His Friend

Here's a pic of Hudson with his favorite character,  Xiǎo Huī Huī. After searching several cities we finally found this doll in a Guangzhou toy store. He was very happy:)

Shopping

We shopped for porcelain today and found some really special pieces.

Ni Hao!

Surprise, a few hours after we landed our son met us at the hotel.
Impossible
Difficult
Done
God has blessed us with another son and he is here!

A Brief Look

First, an overnight stay in Beijing.

 Beautiful view from the sky.

 Brian with Jackie Chan.

CAn I get an amen!!!

We got our CA confirmed for 12/5. That means we plan to leave 11/23 and Gotcha Day on 11/26.
PTL...one more stocking to hang up this year:)

impossible
difficult
almost...
done!

God, You Are amazing and we continue to be humbled by your gift of another miraculous son!!!

Invalid Loyalty

I was scanning in my shopper card before I purchased gas and a strange message popped up on the screen

Invalid Loyalty

What?! I scanned my card again and this time it went through. Still the words Invalid Loyalty rolled around in my head as I sat in my van waiting for the gas tank to fill. Situations that have left me puzzled and times where I reluctantly obeyed a clear directive.
Times where I struggled to reconcile my heart with what my mind knew God had asked and confirmed through His Word. Most recently, seed planting in very rocky terrain. I've wrestled with God and often begged for change or perhaps a glimpse of future harvest... 

in other words, my invalid loyalty

Ouch, the sting of conviction hurts for a moment then the warmth of His reconciliation fills me. I am grateful to be known and still considered fit for service, even as I struggle with moments of invalid loyalty.

Faith Stretchers

Many thoughts flooded my mind as I was getting on my gear for my morning run. It is cold and slightly windy which makes for really nice running weather. I wondered if getting on all the foundational gear was important for today. I was just going for a 2.25 mile pace run that would take about 22 minutes. Was it really necessary to wear the compression shorts and the athletic belt under the running pants? Weren't the long pants and long sleeved shirt enough to keep things in place?
A glance at myself in the mirror-the dreaded side view-my frame greatly smoothed out and back well supported by both the shorts and belt. Attempting to remove anything before applying the glide stick would be futile at this point and using up energy before my run could ensure that my silent exhale prayers would become loud cries for help!
Wisely, I keep on all my gear and begin to stretch. I have to stretch to prevent injury and prepare my body for what is ahead. Slowly stretching my legs and arms out I also pray for the strength and endurance to finish the run. I move and start to feel some resistance from my body...almost like my muscles begin to remember what is about to happen and in not-so-silent protest tighten up while I deepen the stretches and breathe through it.
Stretching my body to get ready for a run is always slightly painful and I have to keep moving slowly until my muscles respond and I can move without pain or resistance.  If I decide to run before my body has been stretched I risk getting hurt or having great trouble finishing my run well.
At times, especially when I train regularly, I just throw on my shoes and run as fast as I can. Letting my body warm up as I approach the second mile... and inevitably end up in serious back pain a few hours later. I overestimate what my body run today because of what I have run in the past. Sometimes I forget that it took several months and discipline to train up to marathon shape and that the marathon was in 2010.
My faith journey has been a lot like my running. Sometimes I just want to have instant faith to follow hard after God without the necessary stretching that is required to grow my faith. At the beginning of our adoptive journey, I trusted God to accomplish whatever His Will was for us and our family. I knew it wasn't about me or my abilities. Forgetting that I would be with Him and that my faith wasn't where it needed to be to truly be on mission with Him. I started out this marathon adoptive journey my way, in a sprint with a few after thought prayers...and I got seriously injured. For a while, it even began to look like we'd gotten the message wrong and that God wasn't actually asking us to adopt Hudson.
I skipped the important faith stretching before I took off in a sprint. Now, as we are preparing to travel to consummate our adoption in the next few months, I understand why our adoptive journey has taken the time that it has and how the long and often uphill runs were necessary to stretch and grow my faith.
There are many ways to grow and stretch your faith while on journey with God. He used this adoption to remove my pride of self and to grow my small faith into more of what He has always planned for me to be...faithful, dependent on and running with Him for His glory and my blessing.
This morning as I completed my morning run-further and in less time I had planned I was thankful I had stretched out my body and even more grateful for God's faith stretchers.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Book Review- God Loves Broken People

I just finished reading Sheila Walsh's, God Loves Broken People courtesy of BookSneeze and really enjoyed it. Walsh, has walked through difficult times and many experiences that have led to brokenness. His healing, and a mindset full of God's Word as truth have allowed her brokenness to be used for His glory...and a reminder to others that we all experience suffering and brokenness. Walsh gives a truth-filled reminder of purpose in the brokenness and honest look at a restoration process that makes it possible to be useful again for His purposes. She reminds the reader that many of the heroes of the faith from Biblical times through contemporaries have battled their own times of brokenness. Walsh is very open about her own challenges and the truth of how God has healed and restored her. Her vulnerability gives the reader hope and an example of how God can restore and use a broken person for His greater glory after brokenness. The process of suffering moves and changes us from what we've decided we were to who God has created us to be...and He is still at work, Phil 1:6! 
Suffering is guaranteed in this life. God guarantees to be with us through the suffering. Sheila Walsh reminds us that God will restore, establish, strengthen and settle us.

Her wonderful thought, may it encourage you as you seek after Christ as His beloved and broken person.

"To be broken is to follow in Christ’s footsteps. But to embrace it is to follow His heart."

Pulled Back the Cloud Cover

Saturday's mail brought us a short letter from the NVC. Our agency needed this before the courier can take our docs to the consulate. The letter let us know that our approval was sent on about a week ago so all of our papers should be together for processing in a few days. There is a holiday this week so that may add a few days to our process.

God has brought us to the top of another steep mountain and pulled back the cloud cover. Here I can see where we've traveled from and a little of the trail that is ahead. I am not the same person. Our family is not the same and with The Son as The Light, we reflect His radiance.

The journey is not over and there will be challenges ahead. In this moment my eyes see God and He is beautiful. There is no one like Him. Jehovah shammah- The Lord is there:)

LOA

Yay! We got great news that we are approved to adopt Hudson!!!
LOA 8/21/12
Moving closer!!!

Morning Smile

Sometimes we find joy in the most unusual places. This morning we found it when Z was trying on his new school shoes with white socks...oh yes, you know it was time for an MJ tribute to Beat It.

AND it was AWESOME!!! Enjoy Z's moves and hope you smile too:)

LID!

Once again, our God has come through for Hudson, and for us.  After a painstakingly long stateside approval process, our dossier was sent to China.  We were cutting it close on a few of the dated documents which would expire.  We received a logged-in date of 6/28/12, within the timeframe necessary for all of our documents to be accepted!  Good is good!

"Spin."

Sometimes, it is amazing and God's presence is so close. Other times I feel like I am under qualified and overwhelmed. God feels so far away. Today started well with a good devo and prayer time, but quickly turned into one of those far away times. 
I was praying and seeking direction over an upcoming trip while the kids were playing school. They were getting along really well, when one of my children began having some behavioral challenges and a violent rage began.  I so didn't want to compassionately connect with my child, but went against my feelings and kept my child close...

A few moments later, with my child on my lap I prayed (begged God to intervene) out loud. Almost immediately, I got a clear directive and obeyed.

"Spin." 

Closing my eyes and cuddling my child close I began to spin us around in the chair. 

Not sure if it was surprise, confusion or a combination of both, but my child began to settle.  I fought back the nausea and kept spinning slowly one direction then the next. My child seemed to calm with each rotation...until my child asked, " Can I stop spinning?"

My child sat calmly in the chair beside me and after a quick "redo" was ready to go back and play. We had compassionately connected. Relived and amazed, I knew that I had been compassionately connected with and God, my Daddy was close by.

 

A Rest In Between

Dossier is enroute To Country!!! Yay!  This is the fancy way of saying that the major part of our paperwork and approvals are completed and now headed to the other country. What I thought would take maybe 6 months has taken almost a year. In that time God has changed me and by His grace I am not the same.

There have been so many people that have prayed and loved us through this process.  Truly, we THANK YOU!!!

Our mountain-leveler has continued to provide a way through the impossible while being lavishly faithful. My heart is full and I am enjoying a rest in between.

Pang & Relief

Today was our first fundraiser for our adoption. I was nervous. I've not ever managed a yard sale alone and really did not want to either. Each time I drove by the community signs about the upcoming sale, I felt a mixture of relief and a pang of something else.

Yesterday, it became clear that the pang was to take some of our stuff and put it out to sell. After more time in prayer...and eventual yielding I got busy getting our stuff together. I facebooked the sale and wondered how God was going to supply? Staying up way too late I finished the magnets that the kids helped me make and stuck them on the back of a cookie sheet. Pang...

He did.
We made $60.00 from the sale of items and a sweet surprise $10.00 purchase of magnets the kiddos helped me make. $70.00 towards our remaining fees. Relief.

Be Still  and Know.

Our remaining fees are about $13,000.00  well $12,930.00:)

Not Beyond My Redemption

I am continually amazed at how over-the -top-bordering-on crazy God's provisions have been. This journey has been hard, this week has been filled with challenges and unexpected events. Despite that, Brian & I agree that 2008 was an awful year filled with much pain and possibly one of the worst ones of our journey together.

Tonight, Brian and the kids are playing a game and I am making pizza and worshiping to vintage Casting Crowns and a thought overwhelms me...

Hudson was born in 2008.

In 2008, God was at work on a blessing so perfectly made for me. A provision of peace and love that reaches beyond my pain to speak to me a truth that I will always remember.

I AM.  I was with you in 2008 and I was at work on a blessing for you as a reminder of my goodness. I AM.

You are my daughter. You cannot go back, but my beloved even 2008 is not beyond My redemption.

Hope is not just a four letter word

God has been faithful to speak, guide and surprise. Yesterday as we walked in to teach Kindergarten we read the poster with this month's theme.

HOPE

in His perfect timing and in His perfect way My Daddy supplied and reminded me that He IS. His hope is not just a four letter word.

It May Be Mercy & Grace

Many thoughts about this journey.
I marvel and wonder...it may be mercy and grace.

Not Done Yet.

Not done yet.

Moving forward for me over the years has meant a lot of looking backwards first. It is a requirement to look back and discuss during each  home study process.  As a Christian it is also important to look back and honestly examine myself before God and before moving ahead, to ask Him to re-examine me.

David wrote about it in Psalm 139

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.
 ⁵ You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart;test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,and lead me in the way everlasting. 

 As I look back, I find it impossible to understand why God would know me so intimately, all of me and yet, seek to adopt me as His child. He is far more knowledgeable than a specialist reviewing a medical file or surgical team viewing a video or photograph to better determine a realistic outcome. He is creator God, Elohim, maker of me before the earth was even created and knew all of me that will ever be. Seeing me, El Roi, as I am. Knowing me and deciding in a definitive and public way I am worth it.

My Daddy God decided I am worth it and made it clear with sending His son Jesus to make a way so I could be adopted into His family.

At times I have needed to hear from God to keep moving forward. He has continued to affirm through His word. And in a very personal way that I needed to hear.

I heard Hudson laugh. A sound that I had not remembered hearing so clearly in any of the times I had watched him on the DVD in the past. I heard his laugh and saw again a precious son that needed his mother.
 This journey is for His glory.

Not done yet.

I AM

There's been a lot of a whole lot lately. Increasing mountains of challenges and unexpected glimpses of God's awesomeness. I have been greatly encouraged by God's provision for the precious ones at Lifesong School in Zambia and the lavishness of His provisions. Lavish. The word lavish just makes me smile as I say it. My friend Karol is teaching on the lavishness of God's love through I John, these past few days when I think of how He's provided...lavishly.

WOW! Lavishness of God's love and grace was about to turn into just awesomeness and perhaps somewhat ridiculous of His gifting and my unworthiness.

Backing up a few days...On Thursday we got some really difficult news that was very confusing. I hit my knees crying out to God. For days I have been crying out to God to speak to me clearly through this situation. Truth and His way.  Brian and I had a conversation Sunday about I AM.  The jist of it was either He is who He said He Is...way, truth and life or He's not. We are both believers so we believed that He Is...not imagining that God would "speak" to us on His own behalf aside from His Word (nor does He have to) I AM.

Yesterday, I drove my 3 older kiddos to class, they are in class MWF and homeschool T & Th. After I dropped them of at school. Away from the school and alone in the van for a few moments, I cried out to God and begged Him for mercy. I asked if there was sin in my life that I had not confessed or repented of fully that the consequence be mine. I begged for mercy again and worshiped to the music (not fully sure if  Jesus Messiah was truly Immanuel God with me but fully sure that He was God of this City) as I drove on to get some groceries before heading home.

A few hours later after I drove to pick up the kiddos from school, I checked our mail. There were the usual things inside and a package. it was kind of heavy and felt like a book. I opened the package and pulled out a book  I AM changes who i am by Gregg Matte. An unexpected gift for a voracious reader like me.


I AM changes who i am

Again, the question is answered, as if there was truly a question. I AM.

In many ways, I AM had spoken for Himself.

I AM.

Forgive my small faith and continue to speak and reveal more of yourself. You did not hold back, help me not to hold back from you. Your will be done. Your Way, Your Truth, You are Life.

I AM.

For a second time when we are facing difficulty that we do not understand, we are encouraged and blessed by As Our Own and First Baptist Church of Houston.  and the awesomeness and the lavishness of

I AM

Why Zambia

Was it the couple we met a few years ago that are now living and serving with Lifesong in Zambia?

Was it because I saw a video of their Christmas play?

Is it the sweet smile or mahogany skin of the precious Lifesong child we sponsor?

Is it compassion towards the brokenness and desolation caused by AIDS and Hiv?

Is it the education and safety that the children are given? 

Is it to honor my amazing friend Guma that loved Jesus more than anything and died from AIDS?  


Maybe it is some of all of those reasons. But the greatest reason is hope.

Christ is our hope. These precious children and their families are hearing the truth of God's Word and seeing the hope and love He has for them with each smile or kind word from their teachers. With each meal they eat and cup of water they drink, they are learning what a hunger and thirst for righteousness is all about...and God is filling them!

Hope. He is our hope. Join with us and 81 others to Impact Zambia.

Do Good on Good Friday for Zambia!

***Impact Zambia Update: 77 commitments with 1 day to go!


Will you consider impacting a life like Lyness?

Lyness is just ONE of the twenty-two 7th grade students at Lifesong Zambia. Like Lyness, each student has their own story, their own past, and their own hurts. Because of the opportunity to attend the Lifesong School, each student now has the chance to find HOPE as they hear the gospel of Jesus Christ while receiving a quality education from the Lifesong Staff.
 
They are receiving HOPE in a way that many of them have never experienced before. A hope that never dies.

Grade 7 students

It is our desire to build High School classrooms for these 22 students by the fall school year. Not only to see them through graduation, but to invest in the rest of their lives as they grown into young men and women for Christ, breaking the cycle of poverty & unemployment. 
 
Thankfully, in lieu of this expansion, a donor has generously offered to MATCH dollar-for-dollar the funds raised! The time to give is now!
 
We have 1 day left of the Impact Zambia 100 campaign. We are still praying for 40 commitments to supporting students like Lyness.  
 
Will you consider joining Lifesong Zambia in changing lives for Christ? 

To join Impact Zambia 100, email info@lifesongfororphans.org

"And the King will say, 'I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!'" Matthew 24:40

Impact Zambia 100, Join With Us to Support Zambia!

 Join us to IMPACT lives in Zambia...   

    

"Hi.  My name is Richard.  I am in grade 7.  I stay with my sister, Josephine.  I have three brothers and two sisters.  My other sister attends Lifesong and is in grade 5.  Her name is Emelia.  My mother stays in a village far away.  My father died in 2006.  Thank you for supporting me and may God bless you and add more days to your life.  My favorite subject is art."

Richard is just ONE of the 253 students that we are blessed to serve at Lifesong Zambia.  He is also one of the students that will be moving on to grade 8 this fall.  

Without the construction of new classrooms, Richard may join the 95% of Zambian children that are not able to attend High School. 

Will you join us in impacting the lives of children like Richard?

To add to the excitement--thanks to a generous donor, all donations will be matched up to $225,000!!

  

To join the Impact Zambia 100 team, email info@lifesongfororphans.org! be sure to mention Abba CCBC or Nuckels if you decide to join with us to Impact Zambia

While I'm Waiting

These past few months have been very hard. Waiting, more paperwork, waiting and some very difficult challenges, more paperwork...and still more waiting.

There have been some times where I've allowed my joy to be stolen and my hope to wither. I'd forgotten how dark and lonely it can feel when the light of hope fades...especially when I choose to look away from My Daddy and big brother and start to try to fill up with other things or busyness.

 I am struggling to keep my focus intentionally on Christ and obeying whatever I have been asked...regardless of the present circumstance. Contentment in the present season has been nearly impossible. Not because I don't understand the truth of Philippians 4 (I once made a photo movie for a friend about that particular chapter when she was in need of hope and humor) I just didn't want to keep applying it. Intentionally choosing to be content when part of my world seems to be crumbling in a semi-public way is impossible on my own. That's why as an adopted child I am not required to.

My Daddy has asked me to love Him the most with all of myself and to love others...particularly the vulnerable. While I am in plenty or in want. While I am waiting or gazing at His glory from the mountain top.

He has His joy for me and true contentment too. My heart has wavered, but my mission has never been more clear. I do not understand why, but I am intentionally yielding my desire to have these answers...daily. And it is very hard to tear my focus back to my Daddy...but slowly and as I am waiting He has shown me a few more things.

The hope of His grace and lessons learned in some hard chapters of my past is still hope to share and grace to encourage others in their hard chapters today. Hard to read Hebrews 4 or Romans 15:13 without flashes of My Daddy's goodness in the past. A goodness that recently was my blessing to share for encouragement to another.

My Daddy's love for the world, His heart to serve and privilege to allow me to learn from those that He has called to full-time ministry. Our Daddy has seemed to ask us to go and we will obey...excitedly:) A pull towards other parts of the globe that will take Brian to The Dominican Republic and me to Zambia this summer. Hearing His heart for places we've read about, and now the experience of seeing our Daddy. Echoes of Job 42:5

Loving and praying for a boy in need while my heart aches for my son that I cannot reach. A few days ago we started sponsoring another precious child. A boy about the same age as our big girls. Using how our Daddy provides for us beyond our needs to love those with needs we cannot begin to imagine.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.) 

Asking for my Daddy to fill me to overflowing with His joy and peace to encourage others and to keep obeying ...while I'm waiting. 

The Race Marked Out For Us

...and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...
from Romans 12:1-2

I've often compared this adoptive journey to running the marathon. God sent encouragement when I was needing it then and He is sending encouragement today.

This week is an important one and we are asking for your prayers. If you'd like to let us know you're praying we'd LOVE to hear from you so post a comment or email me here.

I will run with His perseverance the race that He marked out for us.

Hope in the Hard Chapters

Recently I heard someone talk about hard chapters--parts of the story that were difficult or things he'd rewrite...or omit. He also reminded us that God is writing a story with our lives, one that was planned with Hope and for His Glory.

There are hard chapters in my story, events and things I cannot change. In 2003 when we were going through our first homestudy process to become foster/adoptive parents we were required to discuss openly and honestly examine those hard chapters. Our worker was wonderful and supported us through the process. I struggled at times and I saw it incredibly unfair to have to talk about things with our social worker when the years of fertility treatments and loss, my past, or motives for wanting to become a parent were never discussed.

I didn't understand before our first foster son, the practical reasons for discussing my hard chapters. I didn't see how events so long ago shaped my responses. Those first few weeks siting in a chair next to our foster son's bed, hearing him struggle with both night terrors and cries of utter agony from the depths of his grief. His confused and hurting little three year old heart just broken...his hard chapters. I was there to walk or sit beside him and offer hope as he began to heal. This experience would help me as there were many others that God would lead to our home that were also in the middle of hard chapters.

Through the years our family has gone through some hard chapters. It can be incredibly painful to walk with my children as they struggled for answers that I cannot give about some of their hard chapters. There are times that hard chapters have to be discussed openly and honestly examined. The hope and grace that I have been given through Christ is what sustains as we walk with our kiddos through hard chapters.  I am incredibly grateful for our social worker and agencies that have supported us through our current homestudy and international process.

Not everyone can understand or extend grace and hope to those of us with hard chapters. Maybe that's why Jesus came and lived some hard chapters too.

Thank you God, for not abandoning us and for giving us grace and hope in our hard chapters.

Supplies the Balm

Dumpling,
Dad and I are praying for you. We trust that God made your eye and knows all about your needs. Son, God keeps sending people and His own words to comfort and encourage us to keep going in this journey. I am grateful. We ask that He is also sending you people to love and care for you in Christ's name.

I wish that I had more answers, but if I did I might chicken out of this journey. I pray over your picture and marvel at the beauty of your crooked grin. We are surprised by so many things, and disappointed by the timeline that seems to be stretching farther.

I read something by J.Hudson Taylor and thought of you. One day when you're older Dad and I will tell you how these words from one Hudson, gave hope to us about you, precious Hudson.

My son, we are trusting that our wounds are known and He will be the one that supplies the balm. 

Looking forward to your gotcha day,
Mom
XOXOXO
Jer. 33:3

P.S. Remind me to tell you how hard your Daddy worked to use chopsticks, he can pick a few smaller things up now;)

“How incomprehensible is the love of God! His ways are indeed past finding out. How many of His providences are like the cloud between the Israelites and the Egyptians – if looked on by unbelievers, or without faith, it is a cloud of darkness; but if viewed according to the privilege of the Lord’s people, it is no longer darkness, but light and safety.
 May this be your experience; may you feel that the Hand which inflicts the wound supplies the balm, and that He who has emptied your heart has filled the void with Himself.”

This Year of Jubilee

Seven years ago today God did the impossible and our oldest daughter was born. A much prayed for child, a miracle that could only be explained as a gift from God.

Seven months ago, despite many known and unknown "mountains" we began this surprise adoptive journey. 

Please continue to pray for Hudson, our family and this adoptive journey. And rejoice as God does the impossible, another miracle that could only be explained as a gift from God.

He has leveled each previous mountain.
Each fear covered by His peace.
He goes before, and leads another step.
Shame of the unchangeable,placed on His shoulders.
His grace proving to be enough.
Unmistakable radiance, His light in so much darkness.
His strength continues to uphold.
I rejoice in His blessing, this year of jubilee.

Break My Heart...for the things that break yours

Life in Song

I trust that every moment's in your hands
You're the God of my days
The King of my nights
Lord of my laughter
Sovereign in sorrow
You're the Prince of my praise
The love of my life
You never leave me
You are faithful
God of my days

Words from the worship song this morning. Words, that echo truth and bring life. Thank you Pastor John Mark for bringing His words so aptly spoken.

Encouraging words, from a family at our church that I don't know (well, not yet;) sharing in video their adoptive journey and How God is so faithful.

My Prince and Savior, my God with plans of blessing and purpose for life.

His words so clear in this amazing family's adoptive journey. I hear His worship.

His joy that swells in my heart. Offering back my hands and cracking voice in worship, my words so short of the glory that He deserves.

You are faithful. God of my days and nights...and those of our son's. 

LORD continue your words of life in song. 

Zephaniah 3:17...in song by Third Day'. Sing Lord, sing!

Super Bowl Winning Coach Tony Dungy Halftime Video

Jealous For

I've sung the Dave Crowder song, How He Loves countless times, and recently we've added it to family worship time. There have been some things that have made worship and rejoicing difficult. Last summer I studied Beth More's Psalms (with two of my precious sister-friends) and was incredibly blessed as well as saw again the concept of being jealous for and not jealous of. To my shame, there have been far too many times I've been jealous of someone or jealous to have something, but jealous for has been a harder life-lesson. To His glory, He has never stopped teaching and bringing about circumstances and opportunities to grow. Beth had several verses that helped explain the difference, but I need to go through something before my learning and life changing actually takes place.
Throughout Hudson's adoptive process there have been times where I understood how He has loved me and how He is jealous for me. Jealous for me to know Him more, to know that I know that I know the depth of His love and concern as well as passion for a true relationship with me.
Last night,Z, my son had a very difficult melt-down. It has been a while since he's had a reaction like that. Maybe it was the result of the week-long stream of people through our home repairing and assessing the water damage, or it was too stimulating at Pei Wei, or knowing his friend was moving was to much for him. The cause isn't that important, but how I manage my response is...better yet, if I allow God to manage my response or not.
When he is so upset and spitting, biting, flailing, throwing things, screaming or various combinations there of, in those moments, I am not alone. If I get out of God's way He fills me with His presence, love and peace. Joy is a bit harder, but He is bringing that kind of joy as I allow Him. The beauty in my brokenness.
Brian & I got Z settled and the girls playing while we took some time to decompress. It is a heavy burden that is my my shoulders when I try to understand Z or how his special needs manifest. Conversations we've had with the girls answering their questions about our handicapped license plate down to talks about brain damage. I do get discouraged and bogged down, because I am not able by myself...He Is!
On our knees, bowed on the wood floor Brian & I poured out our hearts to our Daddy God. Shaking from the adrenaline I asked for His peace to fill and presence. Still smelling the Chinese food that Z had spit onto my hair and face, the words "He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane I am a tree. Bending beneath....oh how He loves us oh.." His calm fills us and I grab my guitar and we sing The Crowder song, How He loves, and invite the girls to join us in a family worship. I am beginning to understand jealous for me as I am jealous for my children to know their Daddy God more and more.
He is jealous for me...and how He loves. Thank you:) My son is one of my best teachers:)

I love you Zackary.

Jehova Jireh, My Provider

I shouldn't be surprised because He is faithful, but yet I continue to marvel at how God provides for us in so many different ways. Got word today that we received approval for a grant as well as a zero-interest loan from Lifesong for Orphans. Praise God! Lifesong does great work for orphans, by the way. They help make adoptions possible here, and also are ministering to orphans all around the world such as through our friends in Zambia, the McBride family.
Also, HUGE shout out to Embrace for their generous gift. Embrace is an incredible ministry to children and their families. Thank you Embrace!!

How he loves and provides for us...all!

You Are Wonderful.

I was talking and braiding Katharine's hair tonight. She shared a few things that were on her heart. I am very grateful for the closeness that God has brought and His healing. We talked about many things...Psalm 139 and how David put into words how amazing human life is. Brian read parts of it out loud to her as I combed and braided.
I finished her braids and then greased her scalp. I reminded her that when God looks at her, it is Christ's righteousness and perfection in His Katharine that He sees. Her Abba, Daddy made her. He knew her while she was growing in her birthmother's tummy and gave her this beautiful coca skin. The way her eyes dance when she is telling a joke or singing a silly song that she just invented and the warmth of her Big Katy hugs, gifts from Him. I put a little hair oil on the unbraided parts of hair, because it smells so good and reminded her that it was God that gave her this beautiful curly hair too.

Katharine, my precious and exquisite daughter, you are wonderful. You bring us great joy:)

Fingerprints Done & PTL

We went to our appointment on Wednesday and had our fingerprints done. I kept looking for the ink...but now they don't use ink very cool. Strange watching each swirl of my fingers on the large screen and the small cracks that reveled that winter had come to North Texas...not that my skin is showing my age:) Incredible details, information about me all in ten swirls. Guess now my biometrics are captured...they can prove it:)
God has been teaching me a lot about faith, trust, details and timing. His is always perfect down to the smallest detail. 
We've been praying for several children since last May that were in need of forever families. How precious it has been to hear my children understand the needs of those so far away. Last month we started sponsoring one of the friends that we had been praying for and now we are able to change our prayers. God has brought forever families to these precious ones. We are now praying for speed in their homecoming.
The God that is concerned about His creation down to our fingerprints is the same God that will continue to amaze and do the impossible...PTL!

Denied BUT Not Forgotten

I 'm learning through a Beth Moore study and today was, The Blessed Reminder, hoped that would be the theme of the day. After dropping the kiddos off, Brian and I headed over to USCIS to try to get our fingerprints done early. We have our appointment, but I was hoping and praying for a little favor. Nope. The officer was very polite, but it was crowded and they were too busy for walk-ins this morning. Brian had already scheduled meetings for this afternoon, so we couldn't come back today.

Denied. I was bummed, but it is just a few days more until our appointment. 

I had a few hours alone so I headed over to one of my favorite book stores. I LOVE books! Books on sale...even better! Found some great reads and 2 amazing books with DVD study too!

A few hours later I picked kiddos up and we headed home for an afternoon snack. Kids playing happily together for a while, until they weren't. Things happen...

I wanted to have child in "time-out" but God spoke and urged me to have child sit beside me as we've been doing to connect. Things happen...

A picture of a stretched out sweater came to mind and we talked about being connected. Building on the devo earlier from Romans 8:28-39 and being inseparable from God's love. We talked about feeling apart even though we were sitting next to each other and things that led to that change in our relationship. Like the way our relationship to God sometimes feels distant...because of our change. A connection happens and a snuggle.

I am encouraged by God watering the seeds that are sprouting into love. His love. His Power. His Way.

I may have been denied this morning, but not forgotten.

Thank you El Elyon. Truly this was my blessed reminder today.

Split Pants and a Captivating Smile

Dear Dumpling,
I had to write you a note about the precious picture I saw of you! We have this one on our prayer wall with the updated ones, but this one is one of my favorites. I think it's the youngest picture I have of you, even before your cleft surgery. You look like you are smiling and I love how even so very young you are so remarkably radiant. I love too how in this picture and a few others you are wearing traditional outfit with split pants...with your diaper showing a bit.

Split pants and a captivating smile, this is you!
Love you son,
Mom 

 

Your Mom in Progress

Dear Dumpling,
I am a mom in progress, and God is not done with me yet. Your sisters & I have been working on a school assignment that looks back at the early years, or the way you were then.  It was easy to get your biggest sister's information and birth story as she was born to us, but a bit harder for your other sister. She, like you wasn't born to us and we have only information that was passed to us or pictures taken before adoption to go by. I try hard to spare details that are confusing or sad, but Sweet Dumpling, by now you already have experienced more than your share of confusing and sad details. I am very grateful for the birthmothers, Prayer Moms and foster moms that took care of your sister, brother and you when we couldn't. It is still a little sad.

Sometimes I feel sad about what I missed out on too. I wasn't there for 4 of my children's birthdays and many of their firsts. I don't have newborn pictures or much from the time before your older sister came into care. I am grateful for her foster family especially my sweet friend, Tracy, that loved her and created a lifebook and helpful record for us.  My heart broke a little when your sister asked about her birth pictures and what she was like as a baby. She got misty eyed, but as is her way wouldn't let the tears drop. I've requested early pictures for her, but have been unable to get them. I know that her birthfamily is hurting and missing her too, but at times like this it is hard for me to feel grace. As your sister leaned into me for a big Katy hug, I tried not to let her see my eyes were misty too.

I got kind of frustrated with the teacher for giving me a paper that wasn't sensitive to adoption. I struggled to find something already created that I could just print off and use for school. It was a homeschool day and really hard for me to share one computer with 3 kids while trying to make a special day worksheet. We love all of the teachers that we've had and especially the way so many teachers have been so good to all of our family. I know that when I was a teacher, I didn't think much about adoption when I was making lesson plans. I'm pretty sure that God was teaching me more through this assignment than I was teaching your sisters.

We worked together to come up with a special day that your sister could use for her assignment. We decided to use her gotcha day and talk about what she was like then. We had fun looking through old family pictures especially the pictures where they are both wearing pullups. But we decided not to use these pictures to share with the class:) It was really sweet to look back at what your sisters were like then and we had some big laughs.

I thought about some special days in my life and smiled about what God has done for me, your mom in progress.

I love you,
Mom